That Was Then, This Is Now: How to Break the Shame Spiral in Sobriety

There’s a moment most women hit somewhere in the first stretch of sobriety when the memories start flooding back.

Not every day, not all at once… but enough to make your stomach drop.
A comment you made.
A night you barely remember.
A choice you still can’t believe you made.

It’s like your brain suddenly whispers, “Remember this? Remember who you were?”

And with that comes the shame. The guilt. The heaviness.

If this is happening for you, here’s the truth most people don’t realize:

These memories are coming up because you’re healing, not because you’re failing.

When you were still drinking, you didn’t have the clarity, the awareness, or the emotional bandwidth to even feel the full weight of these moments.

Now you do.
And that alone is a sign of growth.

Here are a few gentle practices that can help you move through the shame instead of getting stuck in it:

Name what happened without making it your identity.

There’s a world of difference between:

“I’m a mess.”
and
“I was struggling then, and I did the best I knew how.”

One keeps you chained to the past.
The other opens the door to healing.

You get to acknowledge what happened without carrying it as a label.
You get to say:

That was then. This is now. And I am not her anymore.

Give your memories somewhere to go.

Shame grows in silence.
It loosens its grip when you bring it into the light.

Write it down - the memory, the emotion, the version of you who coped the only way she knew how. And then release it in a way that feels symbolic:

Tear it up.
Burn it.
Throw it away.
Bury it.

The ritual doesn’t have to be dramatic to be powerful.
It’s about telling your mind and heart:

This no longer gets to live inside of me.

Zoom out and see the bigger story.

Those moments that make you cringe today?

They only sting because you’ve grown so far past them.

You couldn’t feel this level of shame then; you weren’t well enough yet.
You can feel it now because you are healing.

Let that be proof of your progress.

One of my favorite reminders to come back to is this:

You don’t have to be proud of the moment.
But you can be proud of your healing.

If something keeps resurfacing, get curious.

Not everything needs a deep dive.
But sometimes a memory keeps tapping you on the shoulder because there’s a piece of it that wants to be acknowledged, forgiven, or released.

Ask yourself gently:

Why this memory?
Why now?
Is there something here I still need to learn from?
Is there forgiveness I haven’t given myself yet?

Curiosity without judgment is a powerful form of closure.

You are allowed to move forward.

Your past choices are a chapter, not your definition.

You are allowed to change.
You are allowed to grow.
You are allowed to become a woman you’re proud of, even if you once made choices you’re not proud of.

And every time you choose compassion over shame, presence over regret, and truth over old stories…

You take another step into the woman you’re becoming.

That was then.
This is now.
And you’re healing…  beautifully, bravely, and on purpose.

xx -

Shannon