How to Quit Drinking When Your Husband Still Drinks
This is a question I get asked constantly: "How do I quit drinking if my husband still drinks?"
If you're struggling with this exact situation, you're not alone and I'm here to tell you it's absolutely possible to change your relationship with alcohol even when your spouse isn't ready to change theirs!
The Second Most Common Question I Get
After "How did you quit drinking?" the question I hear most often is some version of:
"How can I quit if my husband still drinks?"
I get it. This was my story too.
My husband and I are college sweethearts from Wisconsin, a state where drinking is basically a rite of passage. Alcohol was woven into our relationship from day one. Date nights, romantic getaways, social gatherings with friends and family, drinking was always there.
So when I realized I needed to quit drinking altogether (because moderation simply didn't work for me), but my husband could still take it or leave it? The thought of navigating that difference felt terrifying.
But here's what I learned:
Your journey is for you. And your spouse's relationship with alcohol doesn't have to dictate yours.
Why This Journey Must Be About YOU First
One of the most important truths about early sobriety is this: It requires deep ownership.
Yes, you might want to quit drinking because:
- Your husband has expressed concerns
- Your kids are worried about you
- You want to show up better for your family
- You're tired of breaking promises
But those can’t be your primary reasons.
When you quit drinking for other people, their reactions, or lack of support can derail you. If your motivation depends on external validation, you're setting yourself up to struggle.
You need to be doing this for YOU so that:
- Other people's opinions don't shake your resolve
- Your husband's drinking choices don't become your excuse
- You own your decision fully, regardless of what anyone else says or does
This isn't selfish, it's essential. When you take ownership of your sobriety, you're building a foundation that can withstand any challenge.
The Two Types of Husbands (And How to Navigate Each)
In my experience working with women in sobriety, spouses typically fall into one of two categories:
Type 1: The "Take It or Leave It" Drinker
My husband is this type of drinker. He can:
- Open a beer and sip it over two hours (this still makes no sense to me!)
- Go weeks or months without drinking
- Have one or two drinks and be completely done
- Never think about alcohol when he's not drinking
The challenge: He doesn't understand your struggle because he doesn't experience it himself. My husband did and still does want to support me - but he doesn’t “get it”. He can’t relate to my inability to just have one or two drinks, and doesn’t understand what it feels like to have no 'off switch’ when it comes to drinking.
How to navigate it:
1. Don't over-explain unless they genuinely want to know
It's easy to think that if your husband doesn't ask questions, he doesn't care. That's usually not true, he just genuinely can't relate to what you're experiencing. Save your energy and only share details when he's truly curious.
2. Set clear boundaries
For me, this meant:
- No wine in the house (my trigger drink)
- No vodka in the house (another trigger)
- A boundary that if he's been drinking, we won't kiss or be intimate (I can't stand the taste/smell)
These boundaries have worked for us. Yours might look different, and that's okay! It can take some trial and error to figure out your own personal boundaries. Be gentle with yourself and your hubby through the process.
3. Ask for specific support
Examples:
- "Please don't offer me drinks anymore, I'm asking you not to"
- "Dinner hour is going to be a team effort now because that's my biggest trigger time"
- "I need to avoid the kitchen from 4-5pm, so I'm doing crockpot meals"
Be clear about what you need RIGHT NOW, without worrying about forever. These needs will evolve.
Type 2: The Husband Who Also Drinks Heavily
Maybe your husband drinks as much as you do (or more). Maybe he's struggling with his own drinking but isn't ready to face it yet. Maybe he's in denial, defensive, or just not interested in changing.
This is harder, but it's still navigable.
The challenge: When you bring up wanting to quit, he might:
- Get defensive
- Feel attacked (even if you're not attacking)
- Think you're trying to control him
- Resist or push back
How to navigate it:
1. Don't try to convert him
As much as you want him to see what you've seen and make the changes you're making, he won't until he's ready. Pushing will only create resistance.
2. Lead by example
Be a mirror, not a megaphone.
Think about someone with a megaphone, loud, overbearing, forcing their thoughts on everyone. How do people respond? They get defensive.
Instead:
- Choose your actions carefully
- Model the change you hope to see in him
- Shine your light and trust that he'll notice in his own time
- Let your transformation speak for itself
3. Exercise patience (this is hard, I know)
Remember: Your spouse didn't ask for this change. They didn't ask for all the ways this will ripple out to your social life, date nights, weekends away, and daily routines.
As long as you're being treated with respect (no hostility, bullying, or gaslighting), extend grace. They need time to adjust, just like you did. Don’t waste energy worrying about forever; just like quitting drinking, we take this temporary challenge one day at a time.
What Will This Really Mean for Your Marriage?
This is the million-dollar question, isn't it?
The honest answer: Yes, this will change your relationship. But that's probably not a bad thing.
Here's what I know:
Growth brings clarity, but growth takes time.
You want answers right now. You want it to feel good immediately. But life, and marriage, doesn't work that way.
Quitting drinking might feel like you're going through a rough patch. But you'll come back up. You'll get clear on who you are and what you want, and that creates new space for your marriage to grow.
The discomfort is temporary.
Those really heavy, intense, scary emotions? They're a hallmark of early sobriety but they don't last forever. Most people can't believe how much better, clearer, and more patient they feel within just a month or two.
You won't know until you try.
I can't predict exactly how this will affect your specific marriage. Nobody can. But I can tell you this: Most of the time, the outcome is far better than you feared.
For me? My husband drinks way less now than he used to, because he realized he was often drinking just because I wanted to. Once I quit, he discovered he didn't really feel the need to drink at home most nights.
I'm not saying that will be your experience. But you don't know what positive ripple effects your sobriety could have until you start the journey.
5 Ways to Set Yourself Up for Success
1. Communicate (Don't Preach)
Focus on YOUR experience:
- "Drinking is taking up so much space in my brain, I don't want to do it anymore"
- "I've tried to moderate for years and it doesn't work for me"
- "My anxiety is getting worse and I know alcohol impacts that"
Keep it about YOU, not about judging or projecting onto your husband's drinking.
2. Set Boundaries Where You Need Them
Examples:
- What alcohol stays in (or out of) the house
- When and where your husband drinks
- How you handle social situations
- Physical boundaries (like my no-kissing-after-drinking rule)
Communicate them clearly and calmly. Hopefully they'll be respected.
3. Build Your Own Support System
This is CRITICAL.
I tried to quit drinking on my own for 4 years, I couldn't do it. The second I joined a sober coaching community, everything changed.
When you have support from people who get it, you:
- Lessen the burden on your spouse
- Get accountability and encouragement
- Extend more grace to your husband because you're not relying solely on him
I invite you to find:
- A sober coach
- A sober community
- Spiritual support (God, universe, whatever resonates)
- Anything independent from your spouse
4. Give It Time
Don't spiral into scary "what-ifs" about the rest of your life. Take it day by day.
Things that feel awkward and hard right now won't feel this way in a month, maybe not even in 10 days. Change happens faster than you think once you commit.
5. Trust the Process
You're allowed to grow. You're allowed to change, even if your husband doesn't come along right away (or at all).
Just because it seems like he's not changing now doesn't mean he won't down the road. But honestly? It doesn't matter. This journey is for you.
Stay focused on your power. Keep doing what you need to do for yourself. Trust that positive ripple effects will happen exactly as they're supposed to.
The Biggest Takeaway
You do NOT need your husband to change his relationship with alcohol for you to change yours.
If you're prone to making excuses or slipping into a victim mindset, this is your opportunity to break that pattern.
Your husband's choices do not equal yours. His decision to keep drinking (whatever that looks like) does not determine what you do.
The longer you use his choices as an excuse, the longer you'll stay stuck.
That might feel triggering to read, and that's okay. You're being presented with a huge opportunity to grow.
You've Got This
What feels really awkward and hard right now is temporary. You have no idea how quickly things can shift once you stay focused on your own journey.
Give yourself grace. Give your spouse grace too. Stay committed to what you know is best for you, and trust that everything will work out exactly as it's supposed to.
Because it does. It always does.
Ready to navigate sobriety with confidence, even when your spouse is still drinking?
If you're tired of trying to figure this out alone, I'd love to support you!
Learn more about my programs (The Blueprint will help you quit drinking, and Elevate is a community for already sober women looking for more connection & growth), where you'll connect with other women who truly understand what you're going through.
You don't have to do this alone - and you don't have to wait for your husband to be ready before you start living your best alcohol-free life!
xx-
Shannon 🖤